Still here

I wrote the below post on 10/25. I never finished and then Sandy came. I'll be writing up a post on all things going on with us and how we're making out, but for now, this needed to be put out there. It's still unfinished, but I couldn't dare pretend to be back in that place. I just want to remember it.








Yes, it's been a while, but I'm still alive (physically, at least). From where we left off, it's been a bit of hell. Part of me thought of writing everything down, documenting. Because it was others' stories about their experience that helped me. But I didn't. I couldn't. Maybe I will someday. I just know I don't really want to go back there.

Here's the short story:
We waited for things to happen naturally.
They didn't.
I took Cytotec, in which I met my darkest hour as a human being yet. Physical torments combined with the emotional. Yes, my own personal hell.
Went along for two weeks thinking all was fine.
Checkup still showed "tissue".
After a month and a half of darkness and trying to avoid it, I ended up having a D&C.

It's like my body wanted me to experience all three ways of ending a miscarriage so that the rawness of this really stung down to my bones. I never, EVER want to go through it again. EVER. Do you hear me God?

It's amazing how many people experience this. I knew the numbers were high. But after having to tell some people (for work and other reasons), it really just makes a small part of my barely-alive heart die to hear how many times this happens. A distant friend of mine had 5 miscarriages. FIVE. Thank God she's currently pregnant, but not without it's own complications - she lost one of the two miracles she was supposed to be meeting.

I just don't know how I even feel about it all now. I'm obviously happy that the whole physical part of it is over. But how do I move forward? I will never, ever forget that there was once a little soul living within me. But that ache for another child; a sibling, to be pregnant again, it grows even impossibly stronger every.single.day. Stronger than the fear that something could happen again. And, call me stupid, but I just feel in my heart that our next time will work out. I know that whatever happens is our story -- meant to be. But I'm just torn about how much it feels like this will one day be a forgotten memory. I mean, I know it won't. But I can't help but feel like, now that all the raw pain has faded somewhat, will this be "no big deal" the way it was before any of this happened? Will I always feel like I lost a child, and not just an early pregnancy? Because that's how it felt - that I had lost a child. But I honestly can say that a lot of the initial stinging-loss is gone. Is it simply because we're already moving forward? I just don't want to feel like this was all just another "1 in 4". I want to know that I'll always keep this experience, and little one, close to my heart.